Just thought I’d add a page were I could do everything from playing around to being deadly serious.
I think I’ll start with awards since it’s the awards season. I know we’re all awaiting the announcement of Best Picture from the Academy of Motion Picture Popcorn, Soft Drink and Hotdog Vendors, to mention only one, but what about the worst? The movies, of course, have the Razzies. I’ve often thought of some potential nominees for Worst Book of the Year, but to be fair to all fellow writers decided against it. Why? Well, despite a movie being a megabomb, the top actors often walk away with a hefty pay-check. No matter how poor a book is, the writer quite probably put his or her heart and soul into it. So instead of naming names, how about giving examples? I originally wrote this for a discussion thread on Book Country regarding things writers do that are the moral equivalent of the sweet sound of fingernails dragged along a blackboard. One thing that has always bugged me a bit is fantasy writers who cram enough names into a relatively short space to make a 19th Century Russian writer blush. So, in keeping with that thought, here’s an excerpt from the worst Sword and Sorcery Fantasy ever written. Think you can do better – give it a try if you must, but here for your gastro-intestinal discomfort is:
STIG OF FLAFFENGLICKENSTEINBURG (followed by a pop quiz – so pay attention!)
Stig Ironjaw smiled as he watched the voluptuous elf maiden – clad only in the small emerald green leaves of the Kletrogeid tree which grew only in the mountain forests of Iglodtran on the shores of the Z’red’bodszen Sea – approach him with a seductive sway to her hips and a look in her eye that spoke of the untold pleasures she – as a daughter of the Cult of Ald’rogaga, handmaiden of the goddess Mradklx who had stolen the love of Daring’wwxk King of the Gods – could offer any man. He smiled because he knew her to actually be Cloe-kla, daughter and chief assassin in waiting to Blgoch’kin, head of the Assassins Guild and servant of Ri-logaa, god of all Evil, who was, at this very moment watching them from behind the CVorglin tree, which offered him cover due to its being in full bloom with red, green and purple Maori’nin flowers, accompanied by a squad of Trilldihin archers, the most feared bowmen in all of As’drawf, the fair land once ruled by the good King Brodingdong who had been killed by Soraf’tinhle, Ri-logaa’s chief acolyte, who now ruled with an iron fist. Stig also smiled because he knew that, unbeknownst to Blgoch’kin, Vest’rufz evil Marshall of Glaacknw, and sworn enemy of Blgoch’kin was also watching from behind the pile of boulders to Stig’s left, having brought with him a company of the feared Tiizka Infrantry from the arid lands of Frixztar where the wind blew cold all year long. While Stig knew that they all thirsted for his blood on their swords, knives and arrows – even the elf maiden was armed with the Wraith Spike of Kjarrrdx which would send anyone unfortunate enough to be pierced by it to the burning hells of Luxxcccd (although she thought Stig unaware of it) – Stig was unafraid. He had been given the Amulet of O’hpoolt by the good wizard Lazdjoot, whom he had once saved from the vicious Grraazd, were-spider of Kfooa, and need only touch it’s gleaming surface, which shone like the sun during the day but sparkled like a thousand stars at night, think the incantation, and he would be transported instantly to safety in the hall of N’errghoost, God of all valiant warriors.
Suddenly Stig frowned and cursed aloud, “By the burning dungeons of Klaff, land of eternal freezing rain, How does that damn incantation go again?”
Quiz Question (I warned you!):
Which of the following, after being raped by the Golden Turnip of Xldng’ddbfh, gave birth to the dog-kitten faced god Jojo?
- a)Edlrtrib, fair maiden of Globlerret
- c)Wendy of the delicious hamburgers
Ow, ow, ow, ow…. that whole quote just… hurt. OW.
Well, I did warn you 🙂